Valentine, Shamlentine, *Ugh* The Lows of Hallmark Holidays

"Cupid, drawback your bow,

and let your arrow go,

straight to my lover's heart, for me....."

Then hand over the actual bow so I can whack you behind the knees...and get ya outtaa-heeereeee!

I hate Hallmark holidays.

Valentine's is the worse.  The absolute worse.  I hate to say it, I think it was a woman that came up with that brilliant idea.  Okay, Okay, I am going to get a bunch of "how dare you turn on your sisters!" lashings, but seriously, ladies, you all know, deep inside, it is a sham.  And what makes us women such incredible human beings and different from our male counterparts: what truly emotional beings we really are - how we tend to put an emotional spin on just about everything...."awww the first time we had coffee at that cafe, the first time you gave me flowers, the first time I heard you toot..." Awwww.....should be naaaawww, YUCK! YUCK! YUCK!  This is also what puts us in a headlock most of the days.  Girls, you must think like men, and let it go.  It does not have to be a parade or fanfare for the most basic emotions.  It should come without a price tag. I am not saying to not embrace your emotional side, like I said, that is what makes us special...but it is the pressure we put on our selves and our "loves." And no, they do not remember. Ever.  Not that they are bad or do not care, it is just that they reserve those spaces in their heads for other things, like who won the 1998 Super Bowl.

I mean, why on earth would you even think it is good or even necessary for some corporate CFO to remind you how truly special your significant other is to you?  It's all about the numbers for them. Period.  They jab at the heart to sneakily scam everyone in buying lovey dovey $5.99 cards that has pre-printed words of what it is you should say to your loved one that "you cannot believe the universe had aligned and caused your souls to become one" until you bought this card.  Then you go out and buy romantic stuff.  (More *caa-ching!*) Why?  Isn't that what you are supposed to do on Valentines' Day?  Oh barf!  Hallmark, Zales, Victoria Secret and Bern's certainly hopes that you buy into every bit of it!

Oh Dear, LOVE SHOULD BE CELEBRATED EVERY DAY!

When I used to work at an office, I remember the girls all checking out each others bouquets that were delivered to the office (as a way to measure how much their boyfriends LOOOOVE them oh soooo very much). Now with this day of smartphone cameras, they can "point and click" their bouquet and "share" them with their whole plethora of pathetic friends.  Yes, pathetic, really pathetic. I also remember how they looked at the one girl that did not get one (ahem, *moi*), with the pitiful eyes and their lower lip pouting out, and in their wittle baby voices,"aww Johanne, (*blink, blink*) I am sure he has something weeeally weeeally special for you later....awwww, bless your heart....."  Whatever.  


After giving the lowdown to my man, who is now my hubs, about my stand on this silliest of holidays, he was more relieved than anything.  We go out sometimes, grab coffee and sit outside to bear witness to all these "plastic", yet entertaining, mating rituals.  The bleak look on the guy's face who is hoping his significant other loves his so very obvious, last minute, procrastinating gift, which is delightfully wrapped, is just classic!  Poor sap!  Also, the dumb ass, pardon my French, who gives the girl a set of earrings in a nice ring box....OUCH!!!! Bad, Bad Move! The wide eyed look and eager, pursed lips wanting to say yes...Yes! YES!!  Oh boy that does not end well.....yikes.  I have to look away...the bloodshed is severe.  My hubs and I, usually take friendly, flirtatious bets, gave the earring couple, a 1 to 2 month window of lasting or having "the where is this going?" talk.  Aww see!  Now that was a date to remember.....people watching is THE BEST on this day!  We do thank you gingerly every year for our free entertainment. We leave with smug looks on our faces....oh I just love the little things that the hubs and I do that says "I Love You."   

NOW WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH RUNNING, YOU SAY?   I say RUN away from this nonsense.  I say, I love running, my family and hot brownie sundaes with a scoop of Breyers Vanilla Ice Cream (the one with the vanilla flecks, oh yum).  I say, give me all the commerciality of Christmas and Hanukkah!  I feed into it and all....because it is about gifts.  All about gifts.  It is no secret.  And I am okay with that.

So, if my hubs buys me an inflated priced bouquet of flowers that were $9.99 the day before, $99.00 the day of, and back to $9.99 on the 15th, I will shove it where the sun does not shine - hence, no flowers for mamacita!  Why? First you have to be an idiot to buy into this obvious gouging, but also, I feel flowers or gifts on any ol' regular day has more significance than this mad dash to the florists' is.  Besides, $99 could buy me one nice pair of shoes that will not wilt or die.  I love flowers on a nondescript day as they feel so much more special and I feel he was thinking of me, today, on his own volition.   Just no roses with the cheesy baby breaths - so seriously cheesy.  Super bonus: Oh, honey, I want you to relax while I cook dinner, help our "cupids" with homework and put the laundry away.  Yeeeaahaha!  Now we're talking!

Also, a new pair of running sneaks and a new 13.1 magnet for my car, well, might change my mind and get you extra snookie,.....on the 15th of February, of course. 

Wow - take notes!  NOW THAT IS ROMANTIC!

By the way, we did share cards, and yes they were Valentines' Day Cards, but I gave it to him on Friday, the 17th.  STILL HAVE TO TELL HIM THAT HE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME.  Just paid half off and it was not in a pink or red envelope.  That is my hypocritical boycott, but I guess I do have a heart!